When someone is talking, these are some of the things I am thinking about:
– Why are they telling me this story?
If someone is telling me how they paid off their student loans before they became a famous actor, are they insecure that people think they didn’t have it hard before their success?
And if they are insecure, why?
– What are the spaces?
“And after my divorce I moved into a smaller apartment…”
Wait a second. Why did you get a divorce? What happened? This might be critical for how you developed relationships afterwards.
– What are they telling me that doesn’t matter?
People can go on and on about little details in their childhood. Sometimes it matters. Usually it doesn’t. People like to talk. And other people are afraid to interrupt.
Let’s get to the point!
– When are they skipping facts because it’s too easy for them/ How?
It’s really hard to interview athletes. Because their bodies do the talking for them. They are honed machines that act before they think. So often they don’t have the words to describe what they do.
So I can either nod and listen to their achievements. Or really try to get them to break down what they do to achieve such success. This happens not just in sports but with any people who have been successful a long time.
They forget the initial language of success.
– Do they ever contradict themselves?
It’s ok if they do. One person told me honesty is the only way he lives his life. But then he says he cheated on his wife because he wanted to be honest about his feelings to the other person.
Well: is this honest or not? I want to know!
– Do they ever not answer the question?
Rule of life: if someone doesn’t answer the question, then they are lying.
Example: “Where were you last night?” “Oh, I was out with friends.”
Notice that the “where” was not answered.
Listening is important to determine if someone is lying.
– Tone
Do they smile when talking to you? Are they facing you? Are they looking around while talking? Are they trying to figure something out in their head which means you might be touching an important issue. Do they appear annoyed, in which case you should back up and try again later?
– Repeat what you’ve learned.
When I talk to someone I like to break it down (for myself) into concise things I’ve learned from their experience. This is not just in interviews but in many situations. Why not learn while I can?
So I often summarize what I’ve learned.
This gives them a chance to correct. And also to appreciate how hard I’ve been listening.
People like to be heard. And I like to listen.
And listening is the only way a baby ever learns the languages of life around it.
– Why are they telling me this story?
If someone is telling me how they paid off their student loans before they became a famous actor, are they insecure that people think they didn’t have it hard before their success?
And if they are insecure, why?
– What are the spaces?
“And after my divorce I moved into a smaller apartment…”
Wait a second. Why did you get a divorce? What happened? This might be critical for how you developed relationships afterwards.
– What are they telling me that doesn’t matter?
People can go on and on about little details in their childhood. Sometimes it matters. Usually it doesn’t. People like to talk. And other people are afraid to interrupt.
Let’s get to the point!
– When are they skipping facts because it’s too easy for them/ How?
It’s really hard to interview athletes. Because their bodies do the talking for them. They are honed machines that act before they think. So often they don’t have the words to describe what they do.
So I can either nod and listen to their achievements. Or really try to get them to break down what they do to achieve such success. This happens not just in sports but with any people who have been successful a long time.
They forget the initial language of success.
– Do they ever contradict themselves?
It’s ok if they do. One person told me honesty is the only way he lives his life. But then he says he cheated on his wife because he wanted to be honest about his feelings to the other person.
Well: is this honest or not? I want to know!
– Do they ever not answer the question?
Rule of life: if someone doesn’t answer the question, then they are lying.
Example: “Where were you last night?” “Oh, I was out with friends.”
Notice that the “where” was not answered.
Listening is important to determine if someone is lying.
– Tone
Do they smile when talking to you? Are they facing you? Are they looking around while talking? Are they trying to figure something out in their head which means you might be touching an important issue. Do they appear annoyed, in which case you should back up and try again later?
– Repeat what you’ve learned.
When I talk to someone I like to break it down (for myself) into concise things I’ve learned from their experience. This is not just in interviews but in many situations. Why not learn while I can?
So I often summarize what I’ve learned.
This gives them a chance to correct. And also to appreciate how hard I’ve been listening.
People like to be heard. And I like to listen.
And listening is the only way a baby ever learns the languages of life around it.
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